This article describes how to live in a way that uniquely demonstrates the gospel. This article expands on the idea first presented in Gospel-Worthy Walking.
Dating is non-biblical.
Now, hear me out. It’s not unbiblical, as in wrong or sinful. It’s just non-biblical. It’s nowhere to be found in the Bible. Dating is more of a cultural phenomenon than a Biblical one. But just because it’s not found in the Bible doesn’t mean that we can’t apply biblical truth to our dating relationships. And while I’d love to spend some time talking about my thoughts on how modern dating is doing more to prepare people for divorce than for marriage, and that there may be some merit to bringing back arranged marriages (kinda joking, kinda not), this isn’t the time for that. However, I do want to talk about how the gospel changes dating for the Christian.
Although dating isn’t found in the Bible, the Bible needs to shape how we date. If we want to walk worthy of the gospel in our dating, we must approach our dating differently than the world. Because, in the world (and probably more in the Church than we’d like to admit), people approach dating from all different perspectives. Some people are dating because they want to find a spouse. Some are dating because they don’t want to find a spouse. Some people date because they are lonely. Some because they “just want to have a good time.” Some date because of social pressure from friends. Some date because they aren’t ready for something more serious. And some people probably date without knowing why they are dating at all.
As Christians, we have to date differently. We have to date in a way that’s influenced by and reflects the gospel. If we don’t, we are effectively saying that the gospel can change our hearts but not our lives - and that’s not the way the gospel works. The gospel changes the whole of us, giving us new hearts that want to live changed lives. So that begs the question: How does the gospel change the dating life of a believer?
The gospel changes the purpose of our dating. The world says we date for us, that our dating is first and foremost about what makes us happy and helps us find a better future. It’s about making us feel loved, having romance, feeling beautiful, appreciated, and safe.
What a shallow goal for dating.
When we make dating all about our feelings, our happiness, and what we can get out of it; we make our life–and the person we’re dating’s life–about us. And the moment that other person doesn’t satisfy all that we want or expect them to, we move on to the next person.
But the gospel changes that. As people who are changed by the gospel, we acknowledge that life is not about us. We are declaring that our life is not our own, that we’ve been crucified with Christ, and that it’s him living in us (see 1 Corinthians 6:19 and Galatians 2:20). This means that dating isn’t actually for our happiness but for God’s glory. We don’t date to get out of it what we can–we date in a way that brings glory to God. So what’s a God-glorifying purpose for our dating? As Christians, what is the why of our dating?
I want to offer a statement I’ve given to the teenagers of our church that I think is just as applicable to any single Christian in our church who is dating: Dating is an intentional and limited time of a relationship to clarify, in the safety of community (and parental authority for those still under the authority of a parent), if someone will be a God-glorifying spouse. The God-glorifying goal of dating is to find a God-glorifying spouse whom you can be in a marital covenant with. This statement automatically starts to provide clear and helpful parameters for our dating, so let’s talk about how the gospel changes the way we date.
When we consider the purpose of dating listed above, I want to point out five implications for how we date:
1) Christians date Christians.
Someone can’t be a God-honoring spouse if they aren’t a God-honoring person. And you can’t be a God-honoring person apart from true faith (Hebrews 11:6). Is the person you’re dating (or thinking about dating) a Christian? And let me clarify this a bit–are they a person devoted to God and His people? Not just someone who claims to believe in God, but someone who lives like the gospel has transformed them? Simple rule of thumb: if you have to ask them if they love and follow Jesus, they probably don’t do it in a way that makes them worth dating. Devoted followers of Jesus date devoted followers of Jesus. Don’t settle or be tolerant on this matter.
2) Christians date to find a spouse.
To my knowledge, there is no example of God-honoring romantic relationships in the Scriptures that aren’t in the context of marriage. For the Christian, dating isn’t the goal of the relationship; marriage is. Dating just to date may be a cultural norm, but it’s not for the Christian. If you’re a Christian not interested in marriage right now, then don’t date. If you’re a Christian dating someone not interested in marriage, stop dating them. Dating for any other purpose than to find a spouse is dangerous and detracts from the beauty of marriage.
3) Dating is timestamped.
This really stems from the previous parameter, but dating isn’t meant to be a perpetually ongoing relationship status. Dating, by nature, is temporary. It either ends in marriage or a break-up. But either way, it ends. If we are going to date in a gospel-worthy way, we need to be able to define and determine (as early as possible) which way the relationship should end. Now, you may not be able to tell immediately which way a relationship will go, but if you’ve been dating the same person for a while and you haven’t even considered how it’s going to end, I’d encourage you to spend time figuring that out.
Dating isn’t meant to be forever. It’s meant to lead to marriage. And when we don’t timestamp our dating relationships, we are at risk of making our dating relationships look like a marriage relationship without the covenant that marriage brings. We take what should only belong to marriage (intimacy, covenant commitment, oneness) and start applying it to dating. When dating isn’t timestamped, it distorts what marriage is meant to be.
4) Date with intentionality.
Godly dating requires intentionality. A dating relationship done without purpose is a dating relationship with way more vulnerabilities to sin. Be intentional with who you date. Be intentional about the purpose of your dating. Be intentional with the physical, emotional, and spiritual boundaries you put in place in your dating relationships. Be intentional with the accountability you set up for your relationship. Be intentional with how you spend your time as a dating couple. I’ve seen way too many God-loving couples who hurt each other, broke physical and emotional intimacy boundaries, and dishonored God because they were well-meaning but unintentional. As a dating couple, intentionally talk about the purpose of your relationship, intentionally set boundaries, and intentionally plan your time. Dating is dangerous when treated casually.
5) Date for clarity, not intimacy
Intimacy between a man and a woman is reserved for marriage. So don’t date in ways that make your dating relationship look like a marital relationship. Put physical boundaries in place that keep you from falling into sexual sin. Don’t use the person you’re dating as an emotional support person. Don’t rely on them for your spiritual growth - that’s why you have Christian friends and your local church. You don’t date to experience intimacy with someone. You date to determine if you’ll marry someone and then, after you’re married, you get the joy of experiencing intimacy with them. You date to clarify if you want to spend the next 50+ years with them. You date to help clarify if they will be someone that will help you live on mission for the glory of God. Date for clarity, not intimacy.
6) Date in community.
Christian community is a gift to all people, especially in dating. When I say, “date in community,” I mean two primary things: Don’t let your dating be secret, and don’t let your dating be secluded. By secret, I mean there should be a strong, mature believer in your life with whom you are vulnerable with about the worries, frustrations, and sins in your relationship. This isn’t intended as gossip but as accountability to help make sure your relationship stays God-glorifying. Don’t let what happens in secret remain secret. And while we’re talking about that, don’t let things happen in secret–don’t be secluded in your relationship. Other godly men and women you love and trust should often have eyes on your relationship. You should have a God-fearing parent, friend, pastor, or connection group leader helping you determine if this person will be a God-glorifying spouse. A relationship that’s secluded from Christian community is often a relationship full of sin. We can get lost in the romantic feelings of a relationship that we can be blind to the dangers of a relationship, and we need people who love us to be close enough to the relationship that they can help us.
The gospel changes all of our lives, including how we live and walk. Let’s not date like the rest of the world, but like people changed by the gospel.